Radio Episode 2 Annotated Transcript
Transcript: :We present Whose Line Is It Anyway? and here's your chairman, Clive Anderson:1 Hello, hello, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? a radio panel game of spontaneity, improvisation, and half an hour of undiluted panic. This week on the program we have: * Our regulars, Stephen Fry * And John Sessions * The somewhat more irregular Hugh Laurie * And the positively constipated Enn Reitel Stephen Fry and John Sessions will need no introduction to anybody who knows them already. Hugh Laurie is Stephen Fry's partner on Saturday Live and a host of other comedy shows, so it's quite a coincidence he's turned up on this program tonight. Enn Reitel, apart from appearing in Lucky Jim and for a long run in Me and My Girl, is often heard giving voice to the puppets on Spitting Image. The games that we're playing are very simple; I'll do my best to make them complicated for you. Annotations: # The name of the person introducing Clive has not been announced. Authors The first gamed is called "Authors", and it's that name because all the contestants have come along with a favorite author, a favorite author of theirs, and we'll be giving them a story to tell in the style of their author. So one contestant will start off doing the story in his author's style and when we get so far in, I'll make a sound like a buzzer, like that, buzz, and we'll go on to the next contestant with their author's style. So, Stephen Fry, which author have you decided to come along as? Stephen: Well, Clive, I've chosen Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Stephen: Conan the barbarian, yes. And uh, Hugh, Hugh Laurie? Hugh: Uh, my choice is Enid Blyton. Enid Blyton, very good and popular choice there. I think some people have read it. And, um, Enn, Enn Reitel? Enn: Dashiell Hammett. Dash Hammett? Enn: Dashiell Hammett. I can't spell it. Well, I don't think that will be a necessary part of the game, but, you can try it if you want to as a bonus prize. I will be awarding points as we go along. And John Sessions, what's your author? John: Um, I'm the show-off. Mine's going to be Ernest Hemingway. Now, well, we're now going to get the story, so could somebody in the audience volunteer for us a story or a subject for them to tell in the... : War and Peace War and Peace, uh, this is a half-hour programme. Is there something shorter we could do? Maybe just War or Skirmish and a Kiss or something? I think that's a little long. : ...ection The election. Stephen: I don't think that's what he said, actually. Well, I think he's a Chinaman actually, but could we have another? More like a subject of a story. : Fish Fish. And what was that other one there? I might combine the two. : Seduction Seduction. Seduction of a fish, I think we'll try that. Why not? Let's make it hard. You know. I've made it hard for, um. Well, let's start off then doing Seduction of a Fish. Oh dear, somebody must be on drugs. Anyway, we will start, starting then with Stephen in the character of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Stephen: Right. The year 1887 saw many of the most spectacular cases that came before my good friend Sherlock Holmes, including the Red Spider of Islington, for which the world is not yet prepared, and the Case of the Severed Knee, for which Holmes received the Order of the Silver Marmoset from the Cardinal Archbishop of Innsbruck. buzz Hugh: "I don't know where you get all these stories from, Lucy," said Edmund, parking, parking his machine against the hedge. "Come along, you lot, Nick, Sarah, Sally, Dick, Tallulah. Let's proceed down this dusty lane, which is too dusty and too rough for our bicycles." "How do you know that?" said Lucy. "Well, look..." buzz Enn: "Look," I said to my partner Miles. How could I tell him I was in love with his wife? He'd been married to a fish, her name was Mrs. Mackerel. They'd been together, they'd been together for fourteen years. buzz John: Nick looked at Mrs. Mackerel. She was sitting in the water. The water was deep. It was good. As you looked into the water, the water went a long way down, and he wanted to marry the woman, but his father had told him never to marry the woman because the woman was a fish, and when you see a fish, you're meant to catch it. The old man and the sea, spinning up in the air she was, like a marlin, but she didn't stay a marlin. buzz Stephen: "Holmes!" I ejaculated. "There! In the water, that fish." "Ah, yes," said Holmes, puffing quietly on his cherry briar. "That fish may be at the bottom of this whole mystery." buzz Hugh: "Can you explain these feelings, Edmund?" "How old are you, Lucy," said Edmund. "Well, I'll be twelve next January." "Twelve. My word, that's early." buzz Enn: It was pretty early, but I figured seven o'clock was a good time to eat. We were sittin' in a restaurant, Mrs. Mackerel and I. I wanted to tell her I loved her but she was the main course. buzz John: But after she was the main course, she went on to become the course fishing main. buzz Thank you. I think ten points each there, but with a bonus five for Stephen. We've got to keep this score very carefully. Genre Option Now, the next game is called "Genre Option". Now, we'll be working in pairs or the contestants will be working in pairs. They'll be... I'll be giving them a setting of a scene, and they will be improvising on that scene. At any point, I'll stop them by using the buzzer and I'll ask you, the members of the audience in the studio here, to call out a different style, a different genre, for them to do it in. Okay? Bless you, whoever just sneezed. So, first of all, I'd like Stephen Fry and Enn Reitel, if you were acting together, acting out the scene of a policeman discovering a burglar. Stephen: Ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho. I've discovered here something, Johnson. You see this uh, you see this medicine cabinet in here? Um, can we just get this straight just for a second? I don't mean to be embarrassing here, but one of us has got to be a burglar. Enn: You said two policemen discovering a burglar. No, no, no, no. I'll say that again slowly. Stephen: I didn't want to be picky. Enn, one of you plays a policeman, the other is happening upon a burglar, the burglar played by the other person. Enn: Yes, I've got that now, got that now, appreciate it. Stephen: ...difficult, really... Ho! Enn: Er what. Stephen: What are you doing there? Enn: Where? Stephen: In this house. Enn: Oh, it's just, well, I heard the phone ringing and I could see nobody lived here, so I thought I'd answer the phone, uh, to see, uh, you know, if it was an urgent message or... buzz Another style, please? A genre? : Soap opera. Western. Cartoon. Farce. Horror. Alright, let's, let's go for horror. I like the horror one there we got. Horror. Enn (as Vincent Price): And I'm standing here. And of course, as soon as I got to the phone it stopped. I felt a little hungry. I walked all the way from Dunstable. Stephen: Dunstable? Enn: Did you say Dunstable or Constable? Stephen: Dunstable? Enn: Is that your name? Stephen: That is my name, sir. Enn: Well, Constable Dunstable... buzz Another style? : Musical. Saturday Grandstand. We've Saturday Grandstand, that sounds an interesting one. Not Sunday Grandstand, mind. Any references to the Lord's day will be ruled out. Okay, Saturday Grandstand. Enn: And we are moving now. Right away. Right over to David in the studio. Stephen: Well, it's absolutely amazing here, because I've found, uh, in the cupboard I've found some uh, silver. This is absolutely fantastic silver! I've never actually seen silver like this in my life before. It's incredible! buzz Another style? Uh, Shakespeare, I've got political broadcast, Shakespeare. So can you do a Shakespeare political broadcast? Stephen: How canst thou thus, for shame paltry man, here on this space in this point, these articles which my father some time didst give to me, thus purloin. Enn: Ah, thank you, thank you very much. I feel you've had your say, there. Shakespearean Question Time, though, and um buzz Thank you. Okay, um, I think that's worth twelve points each, with a deduction to Enn of five points for going off one of the genres there, the definite swing into Question Time, which I don't think was asked for... Stephen: Well, it was political vergering. It was... Oh, I see, I'm sorry. That's a bonus five points! I'm so sorry. A bonus five points. You're quite right. Now, uh, now we'll switch obviously to John Sessions and Hugh Laurie, and uh, the scene we'd like you to enact, if at all possible, will be a customer complaining to a waiter. And we want some genres to play in, preferably film genres, film styles, so... Gone with the Wind. Gone with the Wind sounds quite a good one. John: I always bring my wife here to dinner, and I sat down here, and frankly, my dear, I don't care for flan. buzz Another one, quickly. Carry On. Carry On films, yes. John: I said I wanted a big one the one you brought me here, well it's not exactly big, is it? Hugh: I tell you, at your time of life, it's a bloody miracle, hu-huh. John: Well, I tell you what, why don't you get round the kitchen and I'll give you a nice French stick, and then I can put it up, can't I? Hugh: Ooh, she's got a big pair over there, hasn't she? I wonder if she's going to eat it. buzz 'Nother one? Another one there? Sorry. Bogart. Humphrey Bogart, I take it you mean? Yes. Well, it could be Dirk Bogart, couldn't it? Humphrey Bogart. John: What is this? Is there a problem with the flan? What is it? Hugh: Nothing. I'm just in Venice, and I'm dying. buzz 'Nother one? Sorry? : Batman! Woody Allen. Star Trek. Well, we've got to settle for Batman then, it came first. That was, yeah, go ahead. Hugh: I understood that you did demi-cheffing at the table. Do you not? John: Do demi-cheffing at the table? Hugh: Holy flambeed flan! John: It's all a question, Commissioner, of whether the soup will come before the main course, or whether the main course will come. That's it, of course. Poor misguided child. buzz Thank you. Well we'll think on that one, and I think fifteen points each there for Hugh and John. Wrong Theme Tune So, we're now racing on to the next game, which is called "Wrong Theme Tune". This is because, again acting in pairs, they're given a television programme to enact, but enacting it in the style of the theme tune that's played to them, and it's obviously the wrong theme tune. And, uh, they don't know what theme tune's coming, but acting together, Stephen and Hugh, could you do a sort of Open University programme on splitting the atom. Got the hang of that? But do it in the style of this theme tune: : Life theme Hugh: Well, we've had a fascinating letter from J.G. Ballard of Wolverhampton who says "I've got a couple of atoms which I'm quite interested in splitting, but I'm having a lot of trouble getting people to split them. Stephen: So we said, "Really?" Hugh: And he said, "Yes, really, can't you read?" Stephen: I said, "Yes." Hugh: So, first of all I went to Atom Splitters, Inc. Stephen: They weren't in. Hugh: So then we tried the managing director, Stephen: Sorry, he's on holiday. Hugh: His secretary, Stephen: Is dead. Hugh: So, we began to wonder does this company really exist. Stephen: No. Hugh: If you want atoms splitted, our advice is: Stephen: Go to the professionals. Ask the BBC to do it for you. Cyril. buzz Well, now I think we have to award points there, and I think that was worth, uh, fifteen points each. Very, very good performance there. The next, the next pair, obviously, is John and Enn. And could you act out a scene from Star Trek, the famous American TV series and now films. Act out a scene from that in the style of this theme tune: : theme Enn: I'd like a divorce, Captain. John: I don't think so, Chelle. It's not gonna work in this galaxy, no chance of it. Enn: I'm having a lot of trouble with my Willy, Captain, my little Willy. John: I know, but thing is, Chelle, if we stay in Venus, we'll have to wear those tight blue suits with the silly collars. Enn: They're called Klingons, aren't they? John: Well, that is one of the side effects, yes. buzz Very good. Thank you. And, uh, I think, uh, fifteen points there to John and two points to Enn Reitel for early use of Willy jokes. Every Other Line Now the next game is called "Every Other Line", and uh, acting in pairs again, we've got this time John Sessions and Hugh Laurie acting together and, um, this time, one of the partnership will be improvising a scene, and the other will be reading every other line from a play that's been written in advance. It's, the play that Hugh will be reading from every other line is The Ticket-of-Leave Man''by Tom Taylor, and we're going to give them a scene to improvise. So, John is improvising the scene of a bank manager interviewing somebody who's come to ask about his overdraft. But to give them an aim, a point to aim at, can we have a last line that would cap that scene from somebody in the audience? A last line to a bank manager and somebody who... Somebody must have been through this experience before. : Get up off your knees. "Get up off your knees." I think that's a last line, rather than an instruction to me; I was getting desperate there. So, so, "Get up off your knees" is the last line, starting off with John, improvising your scene, and aiming toward that last line. '''John': I'm not a mendicant, Mr. Cirencester, and I'd like to help you but there's just the problem of the money you have and any collateral you have at the moment. I mean, have you got any? Hugh: I suppose this is Robert. John: Well, Robert is a name we could possibly give to your collateral. I don't know if you call your, I don't know if you call your house Robert. I mean I know someone who calls his garage Montmorency, but he's very peculiar. Hugh: But now you've got your discharge. She'll have a protector. John: I don't think my wife's accident has got anything to do with this. Hugh: What do you mean to do? John: It's not a question of what I'm going to do, it's what you're going to do, and that is to provide me with some collateral. Then, I can say "Yes, you may have an overdraft." Hugh: Tolerably good, sir. John: I didn't way tolerably good, I said it was excellent. Hugh: Holloa, granny. John: Don't be so dramatic. Get up off your knees. buzz And for that elegant slide into the final line, I think twenty points each there. So, the next pairing, obviously Stephen and Enn. Enn Reitel'll be reading every other line from The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde. And, um, Stephen will be improvising the scene of doing a sort of officer trying to speak to the general while the battle is going rather badly and trying to get some instructions about what to do, go forward, go back, something like that, and improvising a panic in a battle scene. And again, could we have an end line for that to finish on? : Get that wet thing out of my ear. That was brilliant, that was brilliant. "Get that wet thing out of my ear." Stephen: Is this the man that's been causing trouble? Yes, he has. We're just, mind you, the person sitting next to him has as well. We just have to check if that line is out of copyright, and have you been dead for fifty years? You will be soon. Now, okay, so we're working towards that punch line, "Get that wet thing out of my ear." You're reading from The Importance of Being Earnest, and you're improvising that scene. And go ahead. Stephen: Ah, sir? Sir, it's Pomkeys here, Royal Signals. Sir, well, sir, we're here at the fr... Ah, there are a lot of shells whizzing about here, sir. I really need some pretty clear command. Enn: How are you my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town? Stephen: Well, the situation's pretty hard to read at the moment actually, sir. There's a lot of smoke, a lot of smell of cordite. Can you advise? Enn: Well, what on earth do you do there? Stephen: Well, what we're trying to do, we're trying to cut Jerry off, sir. Ah, if there's one thing I like better than getting stuck into the Jerrys is having a good go at the Germans. Enn: Oh. Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire? Stephen: Can we, can we cover that at a later date, do you think, sir? More urgent sort of pressing requirements at the moment, vis-a-vis escape from this rather unfortunate contretemps. Enn: How utterly unromantic you are! Stephen: Yes, sorry, I'm getting trouble from the Sergeant Major here. I'm finding it very hard to hear you. I'm gonna have to put this, um, the earpiece up. Look, sir, can we have some advice, please? Enn: Yes, I'm in love with Gwendolyn. Stephen: Yes. Sergeant Major, would you get that wet thing out of my ear? buzz Well, a work of genius there, and I'll give you five points each. Party Pieces Now the next game is called "Party Pieces" and uh, just exactly what it says. You're gonna bring on the party pieces in the sense that Hugh and Stephen have worked together on many a comedy show and advertisement. And uh, what we'd... what we'd like them to do is to bring on a couple of their characters, which is the sort of salesman type at a conference, and uh, just sort of enact out what the salesmen might be saying just before the conference is to begin, but the conference will be about selling a particular product, and can we have a suggestion about what that product might be? : Chickens. Self-raising flour. Margarine. Chickens or self-raising flour. Which of those? Stephen: Self-raising flour, I think, is the most exciting particularly. I say, you could have bags of fun with that, so um, go ahead. Stephen: Right. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to show you some really rather remarkable flour here. You've probably seen flour before. You probably think you know what it is. There's something rather special about this flour. Would you like to tell them, Stuart, take it away, you silly... Hugh: Well, I uh, you see, first of all, thanks, you old tiger beetle. No, listen, first of all, I don't know how many people here are accustomed to raising their own flour. Uh, is that a common experience among, I mean it must happen to you. Stephen: I see one or two hands going up at the moment. Hugh: I think I, yeah, I see heads nodding. Stephen: Um, I see parts of people's bodies nodding there. Hugh: So, raising flour, it's a common enough experience. Oh, what a drag it is. Do we not all agree on that, yeah? Raising flour, well, so, maybe you're looking for something a little more automated, a little more um, responsive. It's dream fulfillment, if you like. Stephen: Now, this flour, before you ask any questions, it doesn't come from Japan. Hugh: Why wouldn't it? Stephen: Though, though to say it comes from the yeast might be rather appropriate, because yeast has something to do with it. Hugh: My my word, I've long admired your communication skills. I really have. Stephen: Thank you very much. I've always said a little bit of irony and a little bit of joking pushes a sale a little bit farther along. This flour raises itself, ladies and gentlemen. There's no question about that. I've got a bag down on here. Uh if we're very quiet, if we change the lights, uh we should be able to see, yes, uh, you're standing on the string, yes that's it. This flour is about to, ladies and gentlemen, I don't think you're going to believe what you're going to see. You're going to want one of these. Uh, it's just, lok at it. It's raising! It's going up in the air now. Look at that! Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you want one of these for your Christmas uh gift-giving ideas. Hugh: Yeah, for Heaven's sake, get your name down, because these babies are going fast. I mean fast. Yeah. Stephen: Yup, yeh. buzz Thank you very much. Yes. Okay. Alright. Alright, another five points each there. Now the next party piece, uh will between John and Enn. Well, they've sort of worked together, because they've both worked together on Spitting Image doing lots of different voices there. So what we thought we'd do is give them a situation to act out, and get you to suggest the, the voices that they might do. So the scene we've thought up for them would be for Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson discovering a dead body, that sort of scene, uh but really quite unlikely people could be playing the part. So have you got any sort of famous voices that they could do? : Prince Charles. Prince Charles, yes, I think... : Laurence Olivier. Frankie Howerd. Hold on. I rather like Prince Charles and Frankie Howerd. No, no, I'm not getting a lot of... sorry? : Ronald Reagan. Laurence Olivier. Ronald Reagan and Laurence Olivier. Enn as Ronald Reagan: Y-you know what? I find it rather strange that, uh, that there's this d-d-dead body here in, uh, here in my front room. John as Laurence Olivier: The body is dead because Peggy Rapland killed it. Enn: Well, I can't think how that happened at all. It's a, it's a strange phenomenon. John: It's quite simple. The only reason the body's lying there is because dear Mickey Caine and I were doing a film together called Sleuth, and I left it there on the floor deliberately so you could come in and look at it. Enn: D-did you say Mickey Mouse? John: No, no. You look a bit like Mickey Mouse yourself, don't you? Enn: Oh, no. This is a deerstalker; it's not a, it's not a proper hat. John: Hmm, it looks a better sheepstalker to me. buzz So let's, let's end on that weak pun on that part of the round, and definitely twenty points each there for those two. Improvising a Rap Now we'll go along to a very popular game, I should imagine, and it's called "Improvising a Rap". You know how people do raps, they just make things up as they go along? Well, that's what we're asking these uh, contestants to do, and obviously with a topic or a subject, a nice broad subject, if you could give them for them to rap on. Don't make it specific, you know? : Citrus fruit. Citrus fruit. Okay, I think citrus fruit is fine. I think I'm prepared to accept any sort of fruit. Now what we have for that is a fantastic BBC sound effect of a drumbeat, which will start now. And we'll start with John Sessions if we can and go down the line improvising the rap, "The Fruit Rap". John: I like Orson Welles; I like any type of crime I like oranges, apples, and Harry Lime I like to make myself go toot, toot, toot And then I hit myself with a drop of fruit, oh Hugh: I like peaches; I like pears I like oranges, and I don't cares I eat them plain; I eat 'em wit' the peel on And then I... throw up all over the place 'cause I don't really like peels Enn: Well, I was walkin' down the street just the other day I was lookin' good; I was feelin' okay I was feelin' fine, but I couldn't think of anything to rhyme With... "melon" Stephen I like fruit; I eat it more than I oughtta I find fruit makes your mouth water But I quite like pears, and I quite like apples And I like those fruits that they sell, oh, that was apples, wasn't it? I'm sorry, I got that line completely wrong Oh, I like bananas; I like figs I quite like bacon; it comes from pigs Alright, well, I'll give some points there, for the moment. I'll give um, everybody fifteen, with a deduction of five from Stephen for mentioning bacon again. I like to keep you on the, on the subject there. World's Worst We now come to what is virtually our last game, in which I play a part in the sense that, uh the conceit of this game is that I'm sitting on a life raft, uh floating in the Atlantic or the Pacific or somewhere, and uh, acting ad lib, the various contestants can just volunteer the worst characters you could possibly imagine hauling themselves up onto a life raft. Enn: Hello, Derek Tegnussen here. Bloody wet in that water, isn't it? Listen, I saw your raft coming by, and I thought, cor blimey, a Hackney boy, an East End boy like me, I thought I'd come up here and tell you all about Samantha Fox. buzz She's a gorgeous girl, no wait, listen, she's absolutely... buzz What's wrong with her? You're over the side, Derek! Stephen: Hey, have you heard the news? The good news? buzz I've absolutely wonderful... my name's Garrs, by the way. You can call me Mr. Brandrick. buzz Listen, why don't we all play party games? John: I remember the last time I saw you, and I said I would finish singing that folk song. "I met a girl 'bout five years ago," and then you joined in with "Hello," Come on, sing. "Hello, hello." buzz Quite enough, next one. Hugh: Hello, my name is Ponsonby. I'm from the Acme Stone Cladding Company. Have you uh... buzz considered stone cladding at all for this wonderful edifice at all? Stephen: Is there room on this raft for me, actually, oh sorry, I didn't introduce myself. The name's Smith, Cyril Smith. Is there any room? buzz Thank you. Well, that's, that was our final game, and uh, awarding ten points each. Winner So just in as far as scoring is concerned, we just need to announce the final positions in the scoring. And it's very, very exciting, because everybody was in the high nineties, but winning this week was John Sessions. Well done, John. Credits And the, the special prize that we devised this week for the winner is that he would get the job of reading out the credits at the end of the show in the style suggested by the other competitors. And John isn't playing any part in this decision. Stephen: Edward Fox. Edward Fox. Well, a real off-the wall sort of suggestion for John to do. We'll stick with Edward Fox. Well, that's all we've got time for this week, so it's good-bye from all the contestants, and this is me, Clive Anderson, saying good-bye. Good-bye. John as Edward Fox: Whose Line Is It Anyway? featured Stephen Fry, John Sessions, Hugh Laurie, and Enn Reitel, obviously, two well-educated people and two common people. In the chair was Clive Anderson, and Colin Sell was at the piano. The show was devised and compiled by Mark Leveson with the producer Dan Patterson, who doesn't buy his shirts in German Street. Good night. Category:Radio Episodes Category:Annotated transcripts